I can’t talk properly…

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If I say something to a person that I don’t know well, the answer will always be “huh?” or “I’m sorry?”. It just discourages me to talk to anyone. I don’t have that problem with my family and friends. Whatever I’ll say they’ll understand. So what keeps me from speaking loud enough with strangers? My voice doesn’t only get soft but I also start mumbling.

Yeah that’s all I have to say. This thing is bugging me right now.

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What is Social Anxiety Disorder?

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Here’s a long but very informative video :

PaulM7224

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A couple of interesting videos that made me think…


I feel pity for myself

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Today wasn’t a good day. The thing is, I don’t really know why.

For 2 months i’ll be living away from home during week days. I’m working with new people and sharing an apartment with strangers. Tonight is my 2nd night sleeping there and I feel like a child, the first time he sleeps away from home.

It’s hard for me to describe what I feel right now. I just know it’s bad, and I need to write about it. I don’t know if I feel depressed or anxious. I feel alone, that’s for sure. A few hours ago, when I was walking back from work, I had to force myself not to cry and I don’t even really know why I felt like that.
I feel like a person who can’t do much. I feel boring. During my lunch breaks, while eating with my colleagues, I’m always the only one sitting there saying nothing. I can’t have a discussion with them, I just answer their questions briefly if they ask me anything. Slowly, I feel that they have less and less interest in me.

I constantly fear that I’m doing something wrong. I always think that others are angry at me or have a negative opinion of me. I don’t do much or talk much because I’m scared to do/say something that would make them not like me.

When I can have a moment alone to relax and think, I feel pity for myself. Tonight I started crying when I got back to my room. I wish I was working with people who know and understand.

Working experience

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I recently had my first working experience. I’d really like to know how people with social phobia deal with that. It was horrible. Ok, it’s just an internship, but still, I couldn’t stand more than 2 days. At the end of the second day, after holding my tears for more than 15 hours, I was petrified, nervous breakdown. The next morning, I called the company to tell them I wouldn’t come back. FAIL. It’s a terrible feeling to wake up early in the morning, scared like hell, go to work, spend to whole day there anxious, come back at night and go to sleep worried about the next day. Basically, I spent 2 days being anxious constantly and believe me or not, that was horrible. I managed to find another place and I started this morning. Everything went fine, but I feel really anxious and constantly stressed out. I guess I’m just gonna force myself to go every morning as long as I can handle the anxiety.

I’m worried about my future. Everything was fine before all this or at least it was under control. Now what? How am I going to be able to work like that? I don’t know.

Feel free to share with us how you guys did to start a new job with your social phobia. I’m really interested to know.

Negative thought : “I am exhausted”

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By the time I wake up in the morning, my mind starts thinking and worrying. What do I have to do today? Do I have to face any social situation? And then the day goes on. If I need to go out of the house, I’ll have to prepare myself psychologically, to get ready to face any social interaction. If I’m at home alone, I worry… someone might call me, someone might ask me to go out or do something. If I’m out, I have to fight with my own self, I have to concentrate to stay calm. If I’m talking to someone, I have to be aware of what’s happening around us, I have to be aware of what the person is saying, I have to be aware of what I’M saying and what my body does. If I’m walking somewhere in public, I worry… what if I fall down in front of everyone? So I’m aware of each step I make. When I’m aware of each step I make, I start thinking that the way I walk is weird, everyone is probably looking at me and laughing at me.

Every situation in my life requires me to think and concentrate, so yes… it is exhausting. I can’t talk and walk without analyzing everything around me. I want to be aware of EVERYTHING. That way, I feel that I can avoid any embarrassing situation. The problem is, thinking so much just makes everything worse. At the end of the day, “I am exhausted”, I just want to put myself into an empty box, where nothing can happen to me.

Don’t think too much. Relax your mind !!

Better be dumb and happy.

Negative thought : “I am selfish”

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This is a thought that often comes into my mind. It’s a dangerous thought as it makes me do almost anything for other people. They can manipulate me and take advantage of me so easily, I just can’t say no because I’m afraid to be selfish! If I say no to someone, I’d start thinking that I’m a selfish asshole. If you keep on saying YES to anything, people will know it and start using you to get what they want.

My “friend” asked me if he could use my computer to do his work. I said yes. He came almost everyday working during hours. The result is that I didn’t have time for my own work. I couldn’t find the courage to ask him to leave because I was scared to be selfish. So… I got shitty marks of course. Now that his work is done, I don’t have any news from him anymore. That’s how much he cared about me.

You have to be selfish.

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